Friday, 24 August 2012

do I look pretty???

My husband does not get a thrill from wearing women’s clothes. He’s not a closet cross dresser and in all honesty he’d make an ugly woman. Yet for reasons unknown to me he decided to put on one of my dresses the other night and proceed to do a crazy little dance in front of the kids. All together it was probably a whole minute of dress wearing, the lads had a good laugh and the incident was forgotten.


That was until the other day when I went to pick the kids up from school wearing the dress. For those of you that don’t know, my boys attend a close knit Catholic School with approximately 303 students. After school all the children come to a specified area out the front where they are supervised until they are collected by parent/guardian etc. This pickup area is therefore full of parents, students, teachers and most often even the principal who supervises the drive through pick up. Picture it now, children lined up in class rows with their teachers, parents in their cliques portraying how wonderful they are and the principal out the very front near the kerb overseeing the whole thing. Then there’s me walking up to this pick up area in said dress. I am about 10 meters away from the pickup area when Josh, who’s already seen me and gotten permission to leave, steps out of the grass area onto the footpath and in front of everyone, hand on hip and shouts in a condescending tone “Mum! Why are you wearing Daddy’s dress?”. Teachers, parents, friends and yes the principal all turn to look at me who is now so red I’d put tomatoes to shame.


Guess I’ll have to start my own parent clique now.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

found my testicular fortitude

I’m not generally one to rock the boat or cause a fuss. I’m content to go with the flow and unless necessary just leave others be to their devices.

As some of you know the other week as I walked past some smug young girls I overheard one of them not so quietly say “Thank God I am not as fat as her.” Normally I would just keep walking and not stoop to their low level. Instead I turned around, took a step closer and whilst puffing my peacock like chest loudly said “Thank God I’m not as ugly as your soul clearly is.” As I promptly and proudly walked off some people clapped and I felt victorious.

Once again whilst out yesterday I overheard a comment that propelled me into an almost Pulp Fiction style beg for forgiveness you pitiful person situation. The comment from a middle aged woman “That’s disgusting that she’s out without covering that head of hers. I can’t even look at her without feeling sick, she should be ashamed.” It was in reference to a woman whom since I don’t actually know, can only assume is undergoing some kind of medical treatment that makes her look like death warmed up and has caused her hair to fall out. Instantly reaching boiling point I could not contain the angry barrage that flowed from my mouth at her.  I mean seriously if shame should be inferred in anyone’s direction it is clearly hers. I asked her how she could come out without her disgusting mouth in check since it’s clearly a detriment to all of society. Once started though there was no stopping me and she bore the full brunt of my outrage in dumbfounded open mouthed silence. A crowd started to form in curiosity and the woman headed to the car park. I was left defending my actions it is true but still felt vilified in my actions and will not apologize for them nor feel that I was too cruel to that woman despite some of the onlookers comments.

Continuing into the supermarket I was again confronted with a scene of complete lack of respect. At the checkout where I was waiting to pay for my groceries the man in front of me went off his head at the youngish checkout girl for putting his meat in the same bag as his milk. Even though she politely apologized and rectified the issue, he continued to abuse her. So much so that the young girl was in fact in tears and he still didn’t look like stopping. Of course management were nowhere to be seen so for reasons unknown to me I stepped in and stuck up for the girl. It was of course not very successful since the man then just directed his anger at me, although I didn’t actually raise my voice to him or even say anything remotely cruel to him. I merely pointed out the problem was fixed, the girl apologized and now since she’s crying perhaps he should calm down. He did his best to engage me in an argument but I didn’t take his bait. Finally he paid for his groceries, made some threats and left. I really don’t know what is wrong with people lately.  

Watch out universe, Emma is on a rampage……… err power trip :P

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

alien abduction

Some days I really feel my brain has been abducted by aliens as I sleep because I just do the stupidest things. I’m not in the Mensa league but I do usually have some relatively decent smarts about me. Today I console myself with the fact that I have chipped my incisor tooth and it’s made sleep difficult. On top of that I love water and drink like 3 litres a day easily. Due to the tooth, this is rather painful and uncomfortable, so I have had to cut back. Therefore I may be dehydrated and this may be effecting my thinking. Or in this case lack of thinking.

The house we are renting is having its quarterly inspection tomorrow and so I am in a spin getting it spick and span. I don’t know why these darn inspections get me into such a flap but they do. I’d popped some pain relief pills this morning and whilst toddler was preoccupied with Play School I set about scrubbing things that are already clean. Just as the television program ended I felt a bursting desire to use the bathroom. I had in fact been putting it off for quite some time as parents do in the process of getting things done first. I abandoned tools and rush, no run to the loo. My cheeks had barely touched the seat when toddler starts screaming. I’ve been holding too long and got to finish. Since he’s crying, I know he must be relatively ok. I only need a minute anyway. As I stand up to flush I have that sinking thought and realization I have left my cleaning chemicals in the bathroom and that is where he must be. Rushing into the bathroom I find he has sprayed my rather toxic bleach cleaner all over the bathroom. He was wanting to be helpful and clean. In the process he has gotten a smidge in his eye. I need to wash his eye but this bleach is everywhere: on taps, in the bath, in the basin, all over the floor, on the windows and up the walls. It’s really quite amazing how much mess a little person can make in such a short time. I use my top to wipe his eye and clear the bath out to put him in. Ah clothes ruined, towels ruined, bathroom squeaky clean, toddler sparkly clean, crisis over and importantly toddler is fine.

Why on earth then would I tempt fate again? Everyone knows you never leave cooking unattended. Especially not sausages in a saucepan. So I cannot explain why I would leave them, on a low heat and go hang washing on the line. I made sure toddler came with me into the garage and locked the door behind me so he could not get back into the kitchen and possibly burn himself. I filled the washing basket and almost as soon as I stepped out the door, bang toddler slides the door closed and locks it. I’m locked outside, toddler is in the garage and sausages are in the pan. I start to panic almost instantly because I am more than aware how quickly this can all go exceptionally bad. I wasn’t worried so much about the house or our things in it as we have insurance. I am however worried about the toddler. I can see still see him and he isn’t silly, so I knock on the door and tell him to open it. He smiles at me and ignores me. He’s busy playing with my husband’s dangerous tools and lawn mower petrol. My banging and shouting must have started to freak him out because he ran away. I can no longer see where he is or what he’s doing but I tell myself to calm down. The sausages have only just been put on and my very sensitive smoke detector that loves announcing to my neighbors at 6am that I’ve burnt the toast isn’t going off so everything is ok. Just breathe and relax. I start hanging out some washing confident that toddler will then come back and I can then calmly ask him to open the door, possibly bribe him with promises of chocolate if necessary. Just as I peg the last little thing I smell smoke. There is no alarm going off so its ok I just have to get in. Panic starts to rise again as I bang on the door. Toddler is nowhere to be seen. Where could he be? What could he be getting into? I bang some more, mind racing on other options as the smoke alarm starts screaming. Thankfully it is this wonderful alarm that shakes toddler into action as he is now upset and concerned. He comes running to the door and opens it saying “Smoke mum.” I can’t quite remember what else he said as auto mode took over, scooped him up, locked him outside and took me into the kitchen. The kitchen is covered in thick black smoke and the sausages are on fire. A small fire but fire none the less. I turn the hotplates off and put a lid on top, smothering the fire and putting it out.

I am brought out of my auto mode fog by the sound of distressed toddler crying and banging the door. I’m not sure my vice grip bear hug was that reassuring but I was just so relieved he was ok and nothing had happened to him. Didn’t seem to bother him though as almost immediately he looks up at me with his big blue eyes and says, “Can we jump mum?” Oh yes honey we can. We can do whatever you want as I enjoy you being safe and sound. Just let mummy have a stiff drink first.

Sunday, 10 June 2012

toddler sports

I’ve always wondered why kids indoor play center’s don’t sell Panadol or the likes. I mean supermarkets, milk bars, service stations and toilet vending machines do so I am sure they could too. There has been many at time at such places where I have certainly needed some or a whole packet even. Today was no exception. The weather was cold and raining so the place was heaving with yelling, squealing, screaming, laughing little people. Add on top of that the parents all chatting and shouting away and the air gun booming as it shoots foam balls in the ball area. That in itself is migraine material but this awesome place also has a separate skating rink complete with roller blading disco sessions. These skate sessions include lights flashing, music blaring and D.J. on microphone calling out instructions, praise, birthday wishes, competitions and all amounts of things. You could be forgiven in thinking as I do, there should even be a doctor on site to prescribe valium to keep the overreacting, highly strung, nerves on edge parents in check.

We sit there frazzled to the wick trying to enjoy a latte in relative peace whilst keeping track of our kids whereabouts and behavior. I hardly dare to blink as I watch my toddler like a hawk. In doing so you hear and see many terrible things. I guess at times we even do things we really wish we hadn’t. I am sure the mum who quickly snuck her daughter off to change her wee drenched pants really regrets not looking for where the ‘accident’ was released or even notifying staff of the occurrence. As does the Dad regret saying a whole chapter of trailer park trash type insults at the 3 y.o. that finally retaliated to an afternoon of torment from his feral behaving child. I regret some time ago pursuing my cheetah paced 2 y.o. up into some older age group play equipment in a skirt flashing the poor sods trying now not to vomit their latte’s. My only concern at the time was the kids safety but it was pointless as I couldn’t keep up with him and as soon as he squeezed through the rollers I had to watch him vanish into the mesh of tunnels and steps and hope for the best. I did enjoy the slide back down so it wasn’t all a waste.

Today I witnessed something completely new. ‘Toddler ten pin’ as it was named by the table of adults behind me. I bet you can guess what the aim of the game is but daren’t think it could be real, but oh yes to these cruel excuses for individuals it’s a great sport. They had older age children that they were egging on and almost forcing to go up into the play equipment or out onto the skate rink and try and knock over as many kids as possible. There was a points system and bonuses for tears shed or as they termed it ‘chubby chaps’. Yup I know, disgusting, appalling, abhorrent and just down right wrong. So what did I do about it? Confront the group of clearly lovely individuals 8 -1? Noooo! I mean how could I and really what would that achieve. I guess in hindsight I could’ve notified staff but that thought just didn’t penetrate my throbbing head. Instead I went about accidently on purpose tripping, knocking, bumping and even spilling a drink on this table of adults. I in turn made their time as unbearable as possible. Twenty odd minutes after I started my barrage in pure frustration this company of creeps left the building. My head ache may not have dissipated but the sense of triumph I had certainly overrode it. Toddler Ten Pin Coaches 0 – Em The Clumsy Gem 1.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

the V word

I talk a lot. To everyone and anyone. I love a good chat and I guess this is why people talk to me. To my closer friends this however is known as me being a ‘Mong Magnet’. For the most part it really doesn’t bother me. I enjoy hearing about people and their stories. I don’t mind them sharing their problems or confiding in me and I have learnt a lot from these conversations over the times. There are however times where that invisible boundary of courtesy and decency is crossed and I am left in complete bewilderment.

For example I met a man for the first time recently and within the first five minutes of meeting him he told me he was always told he’d never be able to have kids. Then explained very specifically why this was so. OK that was enough for me to start backing away but he kind of followed and discussed the genius that are testicles. Thanks for sharing not something I was really thinking about since I was still trying to figure out how I'd somehow gotten onto the topic of genitals. He is a nice guy and all, just not something I needed to know.

Today however was even worse. I had to go to the GP to get some paper work done. Couple weeks ago I spent the 2.5 hours wait I had there talking to a lovely lady whose son had a great time playing with mine. So when a seemingly nice lady struck up conversation with me today I had no hesitation in reciprocating. Things all went terribly pear shaped about 3 minutes in when she said to me “I’m here for my vagina.” Yes I know she said the V word. That’s ok I can say it, I can talk about it, I have no issues with the human body. I just reply “Oh, OK,” and hope to leave it at that. But oh NO she elaborated on to tell me about all the discharge and smell and pimples and ok enough you get the idea, then asked my opinion on to what it could be. As I am trying to delete this hideous alien puss filled image from my retina’s I simply say “I have no idea. Never had anything wrong with my Vagina.” I then did the whole pretend vibrating phone, urgent message, gotta go routine. Made rushed farewells and as I headed for the door she calls out to the whole doctors surgery “Glad your vagina is ok.” Yes it definitely is but mentally, I am permanently scarred.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

vacation from life

My vacation from life would be on a gorgeous secluded island somewhere far from home. I would not take my husband or kids or friends, whom I love and enjoy dearly but do not want the pressure of having to socialize or even talk with. I will have no newspapers or magazines, but there will good reads in a library. There will be no television but an option of a movie if I desire. I will not take any computer devices or my phone, it will be as if I had dropped it into the toilet. I will have no direct connection to the outside world. There will be a way of contacting me in an emergency but I don’t have to bother myself with worrying how.

From the moment I step onto the soft sugar sand I will no longer be a mother or a wife. It will be as if I have dropped all cloaks of conformity and regained my free inhibited self that I once was. I will not care if the dog is fed, the uniforms are washed, the groceries are bought, the house is clean, the washing done, the kids are getting to school and activities, the bills are being paid or that I had remembered to reply to that call/message/text.

I will not have to concern myself with any food responsibilities. There will be no planning, no shopping, no packing, no preparation, no unpacking, no cooking at all in fact. There will be someone easy on the eye who will magically appear and disappear to take care of that. He will also make amazing cocktails and be at my beck and call. This person could in fact be my husband who’s had cooking and Mills & Boon type seduction lessons before coming to the island to sweep me off my feet into bliss. He will also be pretending to be a gorgeous stranger since I am not actually married and not obliged to spend any time with him. Otherwise I may also have a hall pass and so this would not matter. Or I will simply enjoy the pampering, flattery and the view without any other delights. He will clean any spills or breakages I may have and be able to rescue me if I become tangled in my hammock. This however is not a Mills & Boon novel or granny porno as you may know it and so romance is not the point of my journey. It could in fact just cause headaches and maybe diseases.

Of course there will be spa treatments readily available so I may enjoy a massage by the beach under the stars or a pedicure in the banana lounge under a palm tree. Someone to wash and brush my hair while I enjoy the sunset with said cocktails. To even wash my back if i cannot be bothered with as much as this. I think of the movie, Coming to America and the royal bathers.

There will be music so I may dance like no ones watching because no one is. Or so I may laze on the beach dreaming away listening to something wonderful.

There will be no alarms or clocks except for the setting of the sun and rising of the moon and no not my moon as I'm swimming the one in the sky. If I have chosen to do something at a specific time like diving, someone will merely come and advise me it is time.

The island will be all mine and so I may explore at my own leisure and wear nothing but the ocean breeze if I want. There will be no one to see if I happen to flash or spill things on myself. Skinny dipping will be completely acceptable in the crystal clear blue ocean and no tourist boats shall pass by.

For a moment in time I will be in heaven on Earth before the inevitable return to reality.

Monday, 21 May 2012

first impressions

Why is it that the mornings you wake up and wanna cover your head with the blanket and not face the day that seem to always go pear shaped? Go the kids to school on time and then headed off to a new playgroup. One of the mums who’s kid is friends with my school boys told me about it and I thought would be great to get to know her for future play dates. After school drop off I had 45mins to kill. Found where the playgroup was and drove to Woolies to pick up something for the mums for morning tea. Whilst there the mum told me there is a roster for that so not to worry so let my well behaved toddler chose a drink. He was like an angel at the supermarket, did what he was asked, no tantrums and no touching. Get to the checkout to pay the $1.70 for his little drink to discover I have left my purse at home. How stupid and how embarrassing. Toddler is shattered he can’t have his drink and starts bawling his gorgeous eyes out. I’m not sure if the embarrassment or the disappointment is worse. So we get in the car to drive the 15 mins home and get my purse so I can pay for playgroup. This now makes us late for playgroup kick off but I’m not too fussed about that. Turns out as a new member I get to go three times before I have to pay anyway.

Riley has not had a toilet accident in so long I can’t even remember when the last time was. Today however he of course wets his pants right in the middle of everything. I forget the coffee I’m having and dash to clean him and the puddle before another kid slips in it, one kid, not my own, was enough. Dealing with that my abandoned coffee is knocked over and burns a kids finger. Over to that incident I dash, slip on the clean but wet floor. Hobble over to the lovely mum and check burnt finger is ok and apologize profusely. Things settle for about five mins before toddler comes running over with a picture that he’s ripped off and ruined some other kids art work. Way to make a good impression.

After playgroup we head back to the supermarket to get that promised treat from earlier. Once inside toddler does two consecutive massive sneezes and has a disgusting nose. I have my purse but of course nappy bag is in the car. Without a tissue at hand he thinks it’s a great idea to then smear his nose from the top of my thigh down to the knee just as another mum from playgroup turns down the aisle. I think John is right I should shop online and use my web cam for toddler to have play dates. Snail trail leg is so gross.

Monday, 14 May 2012

the darnedest things

Lazing around with a throbbing head ache from my wall clothesline that I didn't fully extend and it dropping smack on my head, I reflect on my earlier trip to the supermarket. We all know our kids love to act up when out in public. They're so small yet so clever and conniving it seems. Half the time its bewilders you where they even heard some of the things they say. Standing in the queue that seems to be going nowhere to pay for the groceries my little Benny Hill reincarnated declares at the top of his lungs, "Mummy your boobies are so soft and warm." This isn't the first time he's said this and not the first time in public, yet I am still gob smacked and wishing to dig myself a hole to hide in. The surrounding elderly men are all bright red and trying not to look in my direction and the women are frowning on me and looking down their noses. Toddler is only 2 and half yet looks like he's more like 4 and this tends to make people think he should be behaving differently. Anyway so I reply that mummies boobies are private and that he shouldn't talk about them or touch them. I grin triumphantly at the judging discerning women for about two seconds before the loud reply "But mummy I just love your privates, they're so much fun and wonderful." Oh yes the horror of sounding like a paedophile at the local supermarket from my little boys innocent comments. I'm thinking I now may have to avoid this supermarket for a week or two when we step out into the food court and see a woman giving what looks like oral love to a banana. All of the previous events melted away as I am sure most people will be remembering the banana over the boobies and privates, especially since toddler shouted "Look mummy, that lady loves banana's."

Friday, 11 May 2012

Tips for the adult child

  • Take her to have her hair done. After its finished and you've paid for it spend some time with her having a cuppa or some lunch

  • Cook her dinner or lunch or breakfast. Plan the menu, buy all the food, prepare and cook it all and then clean it all up.

  • Go for a manicure/pedicure/massage/day spa experience with her.

  • Take her to the movies. If your budget can't do that, hire a movie she would like to watch from the video store or library and watch it with her. If the budget is flush take her to a show or pay for her to go with someone.

  • Write about your best childhood memories and put a photo of you two together with it.

  • Instead of giving her a gift card take her shopping and enjoy the time with her. Don't nag her and complain all the time.

  • Bake her a cake/biscuits/slice and go around and enjoy some with her over a cuppa.

  • Make her something. Bunnings has some D.I.Y ideas. Gifts with photos are always great too.

  • Do her gardening. Get her house cleaned.

  • Get some professional photo portraits done with her. This is something you can all treasure for many years to come.

  • Have some jewellery custom made for her

  • Go on a trip together

Mothers Day Tips for the Dad/Hubby/Boyfriend/Partner

1.    Stuff breakfast in bed. Take the kids out and leave her alone in bed to sleep in peace and quiet. Make her breaky/brunch with the kids when you come back. On the sleeping note, if the kids wake up during the night, you get up and let her sleep.

2.    Most mums with young kiddies would love some blissful time at a day spa. You look after the children while she goes for some relaxing time and maybe a coffee or lunch afterwards. Day spa too pricey for your budget? No worries. Most major stores, even Coles sell foot spa packs for like $25. Buy her that, fill it for her with warm water and set it up for use. When she’s done dry her feet and spend some time rubbing and massaging moisturizer into them. Some people have aversions to having their feet touched or touching other peoples feet, in that case skip that idea. Run her a hot bath with something gorgeous smelling in it and have something nice to drink at hand. Get the kids to bed early, light some candles and massage her yourself. Don’t whine it hurts your hands. Don’t take less than ten minutes. Don’t expect sexy time when you’re finished but that may be a bonus especially if there was wine or champagne with the bath. Don’t know how to massage – Google it or watch some YouTube.

3.    Give her the night off dinner. Take her out for dinner, somewhere with a play area or entertainment for the kids. Get take away if you prefer to stay home and relax. The budget friendly take out option is a hot chook from the supermarket with some oven bake chips or chips from a fast food outlet. Better still cook her something. Doesn’t matter if it’s toasted sanga’s your efforts will be appreciated. Make sure you clean up afterwards.

4.    Plan a day out. Choose a location that suits your budget. Parks, playgrounds, beaches, museums, libraries and swimming pools are great cheap picnic venues. More flashy places include zoos, theme parks, movies, bowling or aquariums. Remember the kids need to be entertained. Once you have chosen the place, you get the kids ready and you pack all the bags and food. Ask her opinion on the bags and food if necessary and do not get angry with her answer just take the feedback on board and make the necessary adjustments. Get your directions before you leave.

5.    Clean the house for her from top to bottom. Even do the washing and ironing. If you can’t be bothered pay some professionals to do it for you.

6.    Give her an arvo home alone to do whatever she wants. Don’t expect any cooking or cleaning just her to enjoy some peace and quiet in the comfort of her own home. SHe probably just want to go to the toilet alone and have a shower undisturbed. If the budget allows, take her away for some time out.

7.    Think she might like some new clothes but not sure what to get or where to start? Organize someone to watch the kids and take her shopping. Be patient, honest and helpful while you’re there. It could take hours. Give her a budget of how much she can spend before she starts. Even if its $20 she will still enjoy spending the time with you trawling the shops. Don’t forget to feed her while you’re there.

8.    Gifts aren’t rocket science kids. Think about what she likes and buy something to do with it. It does not have to be expensive. If she likes reading, buy her a book or borrow one from a library for her. Op shops have book treasures at times so that’s an option. If she likes perfume find one you love and buy it for her. If she uses body wash or body lotion go and get her some gorgeous ones. If she drinks buy her some booze. There’s jewelry, gym gear (drink bottles/absorbent towels/socks), make up, candles, books, clothes, shoes, accessories, food, magazine subscriptions, lingerie, perfume, luggage, nail polish, stationary, mugs and cups, short courses, high tea’s, adrenalin adventures, sleepwear, movies, dinners out, tools, plants, craft, gosh I could go all night. You get the point though there’s millions of ideas. Bunnings can even help you with Mother’s Day D.I.Y projects and free workshops for the kids as well. Get the kids to make her something. The internet has mountains of ideas there too. Hand prints, photos and lovely words are all winners. It does not have to be flashy and expensive for her to feel special.

9.    Everyone loves flowers. They look pretty and generally smell nice. Florists are everywhere but even supermarkets have come a long way here and offer some pretty nice reasonably priced bunches. These don’t last forever so you could buy potted flowers that you then plant in the garden for her to enjoy for years to come.

10. Tell her how much she’s loved and appreciated. Tell her what she does that you love. Things that make you and the kids happy. Motherhood is tougher than she makes it look so make sure she knows she’s doing a great job and how much you all love her.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

sandy pants does not contain filth

No one likes to have their little one sick. You feel so sorry for them and you do everything you can to help them to get and feel better. It pulls at the heart strings to see them suffering. Let’s face it though you usually end up sleep deprived and patience tends to get pretty thin as the lack of sleep and their clingy whining seems to be endless. So when you put on your chirpiest smile and go down to the doctors with all the patience you can muster, why on earth are those dam receptionists so cranky? Yes they have a demanding job. Yes some of the patients are mean or weird but hello it’s still customer service and in my book that still means being polite and smiling. Especially when you are deliberately being nice to them surely they can shed some of their cow layers to crack a small smile or offer a friendly word. You already feel sick or have been driven bonkers by a sick kid and you know you’re going to have to wait for what feels like an eternity to see the doctor surely the receptionist does not need to take on the ‘Door Bitch’ persona and rub salt in the wound. One of these days I’m gonna take my thong of my foot and slap one of them with it. Unless I am rude or angry to you I expect you to actually provide me with the customer service you were put there for and making comments about revolting things from ones pants should be discussed at a low volume. Not that I think sand is that revolting and really is it my fault if my son decides to climb all over my car with sand filled shoes and leave a pile of it on my car seat. I don’t have a battery operated hoover in my boot so unfortunately yes I guess some of that sand indeed made its way into my pants and then was left on your seat. Big deal. Not like it was vomit or blood or mucus or poo or wee, just sand for Pete’s sake!

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

not for the weak!

Everybody likes to save a buck and I am certainly no exception. When I am at the supermarket and I see marked down meet I flock like a seagull to chips. Whilst doing the grocery shopping for the fortnight today I saw some reduced price meat and was thrilled. Sure it was use by today but I planned on having some for dinner and putting the rest in the freezer. Now when you get home and start to unpack your groceries fridge and freezer products are your first priority. Fridge done I got onto the meat to divide it into dinner sized portions and put into zip lock bags. I was multi-tasking today, being on the phone to my mummy in law and dividing the meat. Opened up the pork loin chops and thought “ew that smells horrid” but as my toddler was clinging to my leg and had a dirty nappy (just made dirty nappy had to wait until ‘cold’ groceries put away) I assumed it was him. Sadly I was completely wrong. I picked up one of the chops to put into the bag and nearly fainted from the stench of rotting flesh. I literally lost my breath. Part of this chop that couldn’t be seen through the cling wrap was in fact greenish grey black. It is almost 10 hours later and I am still feeling nauseated from that stench that is still in my nostrils. I promptly got off the phone and vomited, everywhere. After cleaning it up and changing the nappy I took that putrid meat back to the supermarket. The lady who served me had to open the bag and started dry retching. Nearby customers started complaining about the repulsive stench and one even had to dash outside to vomit in a bin. I of course had to join that lady vomiting at the bin. So no one saw my undies today just my breakfast. We’ve all heard of Green Eggs and Ham but Green Pork and Eggs definitely not for me! Vegetarianism is on the cards.

Monday, 7 May 2012

the comfort of chocolate

What is it with all weekend your kids get up at the crack of dawn i.e. 5am and when it's a school day they sleep in? Just like you spend a good hour or so hoovering, scrubbing and mopping your floor only for someone to drop rice all over it, cordial, honey or in my case vomit. Thank you very much to  too much sun and rides and not enough fluids. I really enjoy cleaning those consequences off my lovely spotless floor. Thank heavens for the fresh warm triple choc fudge brownie with ice cream and chocolate sauce for saving the day. Ahhhh why couldn't an apple have the same effect???

people are strange

Meeting new people and making friends is a little like blind dating. You talk to them a little on the internet or wherever you meet them first then decide to meet. Usual rules apply, meet somewhere public and don’t give out addresses till you’re almost certain they’re someone you’d like to spend more time with. In the scheme of things we’re all a little unusual but some people are just plain disturbing. I arranged for one of these meet ups on Sunday. Lovely location picked with plenty to keep us all occupied. Time arranged. Picnic all packed. All set for a lovely afternoon. Meet up time came and went. I’ve been having problems with my mobile battery completely dying very rapidly so I started to worry. I didn’t have the other person’s phone number and had only seen pictures on Facebook. There would be no way of contacting her and she was driving a rather decent way to meet me. What if she arrived but couldn’t find me and think I didn’t come. What if my feral tantrum throwing toddler continued to drive me crazy and I couldn’t stand it any longer and had to leave.  We had been at the park for 3 hours already due to me being fed up with cabin fever at home. Being concerned wasn’t necessary in this instance as she certainly did arrive and my phone didn’t die. She may now be washing her eyes out with bleach since whilst in the toilet my toddler opened the door and gave her an eyeful of me doing my business. Maybe I am now on her steer clear list.

Friday, 4 May 2012

this little doggy went to the library

Tiny budget and long weekend check. Four boys to entertain and feed check. Sleep deprived and thin  patience check. Typical great start. Decided to check out the local library. Plenty of free things to do and see there. Also 10 tween boys on computers jointly playing some maze war game. I'm thinking Wolfenstein but obviously it's a newer game.
Now these lads are all talking loudly, drinking and eating whilst playing. There's music pumping from somewhere and I feel more like I've stepped into some PC Club meet than the library. I have no idea why but I felt obliged to go over and say to them "I don't think you're allowed to do that." One looked my direction for a micro second and said "I think we are Grandma." Giggles all round. Oh snap to the little smarty pants. I am only 32 and hardly Grandma but OK whatever. I then start looking around and see people with store bought coffees, kids running around eating stuff and well loads of talking and people having fun. Man this place has toys, dvd's, cd's, colouring, activities, movies playing, music on for atmosphere, magazines and friendly approachable staff. Has it really been so long since I've been to a library that they are now somewhere that fun is encouraged? Grandma maybe I am since clearly I am out of touch.  20 items of any combination on hire for a month check. A Saturday morning at the library education check. Old dogs can learn new stuff.

beware the shiela beside the road

I knew I needed petrol so why on earth didn’t I just get it. I’ve been waiting for an invoice to be paid to provide the funds but some peanut wasn’t happy with some part of the invoice and wasn’t paying till it was rectified. He did not however bother to mention this to us. Hello people, pay your bills. Some of us need to eat you know!

 So Plan B was arranged and I could’ve gone last night but didn’t and I didn’t this morning because my big boys were competing in school cross country and I didn’t want to miss it. I’m now going to blame the tractor that cut me off and an ambulance with all lights flashing stopped at an intersection that didn’t actually go anywhere for sucking up my last drops of fuel. Yes I am aware that the responsibility lies with me but it feels better to share the burden. The car of course runs out of fuel and I get out be a total girl and start crying. I had been standing in the sun as a volunteer helper at one of the track points for three hours so now I’ll blame that. Almost instantly a car pulls over and a man gets out. I’m thinking oh “Thank you!” but as he opens the door I hear a woman shouting “You’re going to regret that you know, she’s probably a serial killer or something, it’s probably a prank to rob you blind, you’re a stupid fool” (and so forth cause then I stop listening and start thinking what the???) He still continues in my direction and asks “Are you alright lady?” To which I answer “Yeah I’m just an idiot who should’ve got petrol and now I’m crying about it.” His face screws up in curiosity as he then asks “So what’s with all the blood? Is it yours?” I’m all like “Huh what are you talking about?” Completely bewildered. He gestures at my top. It is then that I realize my toddler has managed to cover me with BBQ sauce from his sausage at the schools sausage sizzle. I guess maybe it coulda been blood looking???? His woman then shouts “You better get back in this car right now Shaun or I’m leaving you here!” Straight away he heads back to the car and before he leaves I hear him say “She’s off her head.” Ok that’s different and I still have to walk to the petrol station looking apparently like I've just slaughtered a chicken.

Thursday, 3 May 2012

the things you see

Today started in the usual way. A substantial tantrum from the two year old because he was refused chocolate for breakfast and a full drink bottle spilt all over the floor. I thought to myself, "Great now that's out of the way, it'll be a relaxing day." It kinda was by my standards. We had playgroup today, which toddler and I both LOVE. Whilst sitting having morning tea in their U shaped courtyard with grass in the center, a rainbow lorikeet came out of the blue flying low and smashed straight into a window before flying off. It was ok but the kids all crapped themselves and some adults too. Rather inconvenient as it disrupted my cuppa. I came across this guy driving. There is many explanations I am sure, but it just seemed totally bizarre to be driving alone in his one tonner with that massive ladder and a wheelchair. Just an odd combination. Wheelchair was very nice and in great nick and not strapped down and there was every possibilty of rain.
Returning home from the school pick up I found myself busting to use the little girls room. So with one big kid already inside, I bought my 2 year old into his room where he was happily playing and left the other big kid to get his bag and come in. I tell you it sure is a good thing I only had to do peas not carrots because when I came out the door to the garage was wide open and the garage roller door was also wide open and my 2 year old was MIA. You already know I didn't need to do carrots but I near on crapped myself. Rushing outside in a frantic search I found him a house up and thanked everything possible he was safe. I then had a mini shit fit at the big kid and poured myself a bourbon.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

this one has a rude word and person!!!

My good deed this morning was shut down in flames before it barely started. I was in the car park of the local Westfield and saw a 60 odd year old man pacing the car park clearly looking for his car. I went over and asked him "Would you like some help?" He quickly replied "With what?" To which I answered "Looking for your car." Quick as a wink and full of loathing he said "You don't even know what it looks like you stupid bitch." I was gob smacked. As I stood there mouth open in shock he stormed off. Rude and aggravating as it was, it did not deter me from my other planned good dead for the day. For the last couple months I’ve had ongoing dramas with my car. From worn brake pads to the door open alarm continually going off after someone broke into it to the engine randomly cutting out frequently. I was fortunate to find an amazing mechanic who actually listened to me and asked for more information to try assist in fixing the last problem in particular. He did research on the internet. He called other car knowledgeable people to source possible solutions. He always made time even at the last minute for me to bring my car in. He took the car for long drives and triple checked the car before giving it back. He charged me extremely fair prices every time and often didn’t charge me for some things he did. He spent hours talking to me about what might be wrong and why and explaining the mechanics of my car. He showed me how to save money on parts I needed from eBay. Most importantly he was honest. Ok enough already I’m starting to sound like a dam infomercial. So I wanted to thank him, besides paying for the services. With no idea what booze he drank I decided he would love some of my home baked cupcakes and a lovely thank you card. I of course put in reasonable effort to make some chocolate mud fudge, strawberry and cream and moist vanilla cupcakes. I put them with pride into some cupcake boxes and took them to the mechanic. Wasn’t so great though that right out the front I tripped on who knows what and landed on them. Flat cakes anyone? Perhaps it’s time I make like a donkey dick and hit the road, cause maybe Brisbane aint the place for me…….

Bugs are big where I come from

Ok so these particular bugs are not dangerous. They can't bite me or even directly hurt me. Yet they give me the creeps all the same and since Victoria doesn't have Jumanji sized bugs these have certainly taken me by some serious surprise. A couple of weeks ago I found this enormous cockroach (well I think it's a cockroach) in the back yard. It made me feel ill to see this thing crawling around my house and all I'm worrying about is where is its family. Today it was this Giant Grasshopper (Valanga Irregularis). Went to get into the car and bam there it was. If grasshoppers are this big, soon I'm going to be seeing spiders as big as cats.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

By 9 o’clock this morning I was ready to put my littlest one back where he came from. He’d been getting up since 4:30am and permanently up from 5:30am onwards. It’s not the early start that was the issue, sleep is overrated for most parents anyway, it was the fact that his behavior was feral. You know nothing would appease him, he frequently burst into tantrums and basically drove me bonkers. At 5.30am I had to argue with him that he could not have milk and Weetbix on a plate which resulted in a 10 odd minute tantrum despite the sleeping house. Jumping on the trampoline at 6am is also out of the question and no he could not wake up his brother to drive him to the shops. I gratefully left the house about 10am. You know sometimes it makes everyone just feel better to get out. Rushed off to an errand before collecting my bigger kids from school for a special outing. Don’t ask me how I didn’t notice the red light on the dash or the beeping noise, in transit from errand to school going around a round-about rear passenger door flies open. Of course there was a bus stop just after this round-about and the door knocks a man over. He shouldn’t have been standing so close to the edge anyways. A hundred apologies later and loads of deep breaths I’m off again. I get to the kids school and realize I’ve left the tickets at home. Brilliant! It’s at least a 15 minute drive back home, 15 minutes back to school and then 20 odd minutes to the show and I only had just over half an hour to get there. DAM. Somehow we made it and despite Mr. Cranky Ants Pants toddler climbing all over me and talking far too loudly at all the worst times, the show was amazing. A dinosaur petting zoo/stage show and it was cool. To continue the special treat we went home via Hungry Jacks. I’m sure it will busy there tomorrow about lunchtime since toddler quite happily and proudly stated, “Mummy, your boobies down there” whilst pulling my top all the way down and flashing my full chest to the lovely lunch time crowd. Was of course full of tradies who loved it and a couple old ladies who may have been having heart attacks as they left rather quickly. To rub salt into my wound some ten minutes later refilling my soft drink, one of these blokes comes over and says “Have I seen you before?” Bright red I turn and look at him and say “Um yeah you have, think maybe just a bit too much of me.” To which he replies with an air of distaste “No not you. We all saw you. I’m talking to her.” The woman standing behind me, who I might add was snickering her head off. Oh yeah I was THAT person and I felt like I was in high school in some popular kid practical joke.

Sunday, 29 April 2012

I'm not sure if you're aware but it's been raining cats, dogs, cows, horses and sheep here in Brisbane. Perhaps you watched the AFL on Saturday night and noticed all that rain. Even still I felt yesterday would be a good day to change everyone's sheets. Nothing better than fresh sheets right and I have a dryer so might as well use it. Naturally my little one has an accident on my bed. He's too busy playing iPod to get up or even tell anyone so its seeps right through pillow, doona and woolen underlay. Great! Fresh sheets have to be taken off less than an hour after they were put on. No worries, grin and bear it these things happen. I get home just now and these now washed again and dry sheets, taken from the dryer and left on the floor folded in the basket have the neighbor's cat in them!! I have no idea how this cat got in my garage without me noticing. Yes my laundry is in my garage. Yay get to wash and dry them all over again. Let's hope the rain holds off though because my dryer door has randomly decided to fall off. Of course it has cause I need to get these sheets dry or if left damp too long sheets will go moldy. Wouldn't that be nice? Sleeping on moldy sheets. And no, there won't be Dim Sims for dinner tonight.
Do you know what's wonderful? When out of the blue you smell something that reminds you of your grandmas cooking, your mums hair, your dads car, the lawn after it was mowed at your aunties place or some other fond place in your memory. For that moment you drift back in time and relive that time in your life. What is not wonderful is when that smell is your little one who has managed to get their dirty nappy off and spread it around your house.

Friday, 27 April 2012

You know when you're at the hairdressers, making small talk as you do and mid convo, they stop listening, lose interest & you can tell they're just waiting for you to finish to be polite before walking off. Do you cut your story short or keep going hoping to regain their interest? Then discover they stopped waiting, walked off and engaged in a new convo with someone else. Hair looks great but ego crushed just a lil bit.
Due to popular demand, yes my Bestie makes me feel extremely popular, I have started this blog. I don't want to help you organize your life, get you rich quick, encourage you to shed some weight, inspire you to release your inner child or even change the world. Perhaps like her you will laugh and that's about all this aims to do.
For those of you who don't know me, my nickname, amongst others is Spencer. As in Frank Spencer from that classic British comedy Some Mothers Do 'Ave Em. I haven't earnt this nickname easily. Things maybe fool proof but they aint always frankproof or in my case emmaproof and as this blog unfolds over time you too will see why this name matches me so perfectly.

Today should've been an ordinary trip to the medical imaging clinic, followed by a small amount of shopping and coming home. Naturally that is not how my day went.
My oldest boys woke up ill so I had to take my three delightful children along to my ultrasound appointment. This was my third attempt at having this appointment so I was determined to go ahead with it. I actually arrived on time to find that almost everyone else at the place was ill. Perhaps they all shared some dodgy dinner last night. My appointment was fifty minutes late. No big deal. We all squeezed into the treatment room with the student sonographer and the equipment. The two year old mostly screamed and one of the 9 year olds kept going out to get water while I lay topless and there was no curtain. Naturally some people copped an eye full. There was a mishap of gel exploding from its bottle all up my neck, down my shoulder and into my armpit. Nice. Three people had to come and have a look before I got given the all clear. If I had've been at a strip joint I coulda made some serious cash.

We went straight to Medicare to get a refund and I was overjoyed to discover there were at least 20 numbers ahead of me. My boys had already stayed relatively calm and well behaved for just over two hours at the ultrasound place and were starving at this point. Of course there is a lunch break fiesta and only one worker is left on the counter. Then there is a computer malfunction and numbers are skipped and missed. There is almost a riot. Almost an hour later we leave with refund in hand.

Everything goes relatively normal until trolley full of groceries later when I am going up the travellator to the car. At the top my trolley gets stuck, the kids bunch up into me and in my frenzy my pants start to fall down. I stand on one of the kids thongs cut my toe, slip downwards hitting my head and just before serious bunching up of strangers I manage to lift and push the trolly off. It's too late though. All the people behind are in hysterics and I have once again managed to flash in public.

My flashing for the day isn't quite done there. When I got home I was carrying the groceries inside and whilst walking inside my pants literally slipped down to my ankles - TWICE. Well my hands were full of groceries including eggs I couldn't pull them up!

Today's lesson is to not wear shorts that are too big without a belt or with the slippery kind of undies, even if you are just putting on some nice ones because you're going for an ultra sound and some people will see them. Because, just like in my case, the whole world may see them.