Wednesday, 13 June 2012

alien abduction

Some days I really feel my brain has been abducted by aliens as I sleep because I just do the stupidest things. I’m not in the Mensa league but I do usually have some relatively decent smarts about me. Today I console myself with the fact that I have chipped my incisor tooth and it’s made sleep difficult. On top of that I love water and drink like 3 litres a day easily. Due to the tooth, this is rather painful and uncomfortable, so I have had to cut back. Therefore I may be dehydrated and this may be effecting my thinking. Or in this case lack of thinking.

The house we are renting is having its quarterly inspection tomorrow and so I am in a spin getting it spick and span. I don’t know why these darn inspections get me into such a flap but they do. I’d popped some pain relief pills this morning and whilst toddler was preoccupied with Play School I set about scrubbing things that are already clean. Just as the television program ended I felt a bursting desire to use the bathroom. I had in fact been putting it off for quite some time as parents do in the process of getting things done first. I abandoned tools and rush, no run to the loo. My cheeks had barely touched the seat when toddler starts screaming. I’ve been holding too long and got to finish. Since he’s crying, I know he must be relatively ok. I only need a minute anyway. As I stand up to flush I have that sinking thought and realization I have left my cleaning chemicals in the bathroom and that is where he must be. Rushing into the bathroom I find he has sprayed my rather toxic bleach cleaner all over the bathroom. He was wanting to be helpful and clean. In the process he has gotten a smidge in his eye. I need to wash his eye but this bleach is everywhere: on taps, in the bath, in the basin, all over the floor, on the windows and up the walls. It’s really quite amazing how much mess a little person can make in such a short time. I use my top to wipe his eye and clear the bath out to put him in. Ah clothes ruined, towels ruined, bathroom squeaky clean, toddler sparkly clean, crisis over and importantly toddler is fine.

Why on earth then would I tempt fate again? Everyone knows you never leave cooking unattended. Especially not sausages in a saucepan. So I cannot explain why I would leave them, on a low heat and go hang washing on the line. I made sure toddler came with me into the garage and locked the door behind me so he could not get back into the kitchen and possibly burn himself. I filled the washing basket and almost as soon as I stepped out the door, bang toddler slides the door closed and locks it. I’m locked outside, toddler is in the garage and sausages are in the pan. I start to panic almost instantly because I am more than aware how quickly this can all go exceptionally bad. I wasn’t worried so much about the house or our things in it as we have insurance. I am however worried about the toddler. I can see still see him and he isn’t silly, so I knock on the door and tell him to open it. He smiles at me and ignores me. He’s busy playing with my husband’s dangerous tools and lawn mower petrol. My banging and shouting must have started to freak him out because he ran away. I can no longer see where he is or what he’s doing but I tell myself to calm down. The sausages have only just been put on and my very sensitive smoke detector that loves announcing to my neighbors at 6am that I’ve burnt the toast isn’t going off so everything is ok. Just breathe and relax. I start hanging out some washing confident that toddler will then come back and I can then calmly ask him to open the door, possibly bribe him with promises of chocolate if necessary. Just as I peg the last little thing I smell smoke. There is no alarm going off so its ok I just have to get in. Panic starts to rise again as I bang on the door. Toddler is nowhere to be seen. Where could he be? What could he be getting into? I bang some more, mind racing on other options as the smoke alarm starts screaming. Thankfully it is this wonderful alarm that shakes toddler into action as he is now upset and concerned. He comes running to the door and opens it saying “Smoke mum.” I can’t quite remember what else he said as auto mode took over, scooped him up, locked him outside and took me into the kitchen. The kitchen is covered in thick black smoke and the sausages are on fire. A small fire but fire none the less. I turn the hotplates off and put a lid on top, smothering the fire and putting it out.

I am brought out of my auto mode fog by the sound of distressed toddler crying and banging the door. I’m not sure my vice grip bear hug was that reassuring but I was just so relieved he was ok and nothing had happened to him. Didn’t seem to bother him though as almost immediately he looks up at me with his big blue eyes and says, “Can we jump mum?” Oh yes honey we can. We can do whatever you want as I enjoy you being safe and sound. Just let mummy have a stiff drink first.

Sunday, 10 June 2012

toddler sports

I’ve always wondered why kids indoor play center’s don’t sell Panadol or the likes. I mean supermarkets, milk bars, service stations and toilet vending machines do so I am sure they could too. There has been many at time at such places where I have certainly needed some or a whole packet even. Today was no exception. The weather was cold and raining so the place was heaving with yelling, squealing, screaming, laughing little people. Add on top of that the parents all chatting and shouting away and the air gun booming as it shoots foam balls in the ball area. That in itself is migraine material but this awesome place also has a separate skating rink complete with roller blading disco sessions. These skate sessions include lights flashing, music blaring and D.J. on microphone calling out instructions, praise, birthday wishes, competitions and all amounts of things. You could be forgiven in thinking as I do, there should even be a doctor on site to prescribe valium to keep the overreacting, highly strung, nerves on edge parents in check.

We sit there frazzled to the wick trying to enjoy a latte in relative peace whilst keeping track of our kids whereabouts and behavior. I hardly dare to blink as I watch my toddler like a hawk. In doing so you hear and see many terrible things. I guess at times we even do things we really wish we hadn’t. I am sure the mum who quickly snuck her daughter off to change her wee drenched pants really regrets not looking for where the ‘accident’ was released or even notifying staff of the occurrence. As does the Dad regret saying a whole chapter of trailer park trash type insults at the 3 y.o. that finally retaliated to an afternoon of torment from his feral behaving child. I regret some time ago pursuing my cheetah paced 2 y.o. up into some older age group play equipment in a skirt flashing the poor sods trying now not to vomit their latte’s. My only concern at the time was the kids safety but it was pointless as I couldn’t keep up with him and as soon as he squeezed through the rollers I had to watch him vanish into the mesh of tunnels and steps and hope for the best. I did enjoy the slide back down so it wasn’t all a waste.

Today I witnessed something completely new. ‘Toddler ten pin’ as it was named by the table of adults behind me. I bet you can guess what the aim of the game is but daren’t think it could be real, but oh yes to these cruel excuses for individuals it’s a great sport. They had older age children that they were egging on and almost forcing to go up into the play equipment or out onto the skate rink and try and knock over as many kids as possible. There was a points system and bonuses for tears shed or as they termed it ‘chubby chaps’. Yup I know, disgusting, appalling, abhorrent and just down right wrong. So what did I do about it? Confront the group of clearly lovely individuals 8 -1? Noooo! I mean how could I and really what would that achieve. I guess in hindsight I could’ve notified staff but that thought just didn’t penetrate my throbbing head. Instead I went about accidently on purpose tripping, knocking, bumping and even spilling a drink on this table of adults. I in turn made their time as unbearable as possible. Twenty odd minutes after I started my barrage in pure frustration this company of creeps left the building. My head ache may not have dissipated but the sense of triumph I had certainly overrode it. Toddler Ten Pin Coaches 0 – Em The Clumsy Gem 1.