the darnedest things

Lazing around with a throbbing head ache from my wall clothesline that I didn't fully extend and it dropping smack on my head, I reflect on my earlier trip to the supermarket. We all know our kids love to act up when out in public. They're so small yet so clever and conniving it seems. Half the time its bewilders you where they even heard some of the things they say. Standing in the queue that seems to be going nowhere to pay for the groceries my little Benny Hill reincarnated declares at the top of his lungs, "Mummy your boobies are so soft and warm." This isn't the first time he's said this and not the first time in public, yet I am still gob smacked and wishing to dig myself a hole to hide in. The surrounding elderly men are all bright red and trying not to look in my direction and the women are frowning on me and looking down their noses. Toddler is only 2 and half yet looks like he's more like 4 and this tends to make people think he should be behaving differently. Anyway so I reply that mummies boobies are private and that he shouldn't talk about them or touch them. I grin triumphantly at the judging discerning women for about two seconds before the loud reply "But mummy I just love your privates, they're so much fun and wonderful." Oh yes the horror of sounding like a paedophile at the local supermarket from my little boys innocent comments. I'm thinking I now may have to avoid this supermarket for a week or two when we step out into the food court and see a woman giving what looks like oral love to a banana. All of the previous events melted away as I am sure most people will be remembering the banana over the boobies and privates, especially since toddler shouted "Look mummy, that lady loves banana's."

Tips for the adult child

• Take her to have her hair done. After its finished and you've paid for it spend some time with her having a cuppa or some lunch

• Cook her dinner or lunch or breakfast. Plan the menu, buy all the food, prepare and cook it all and then clean it all up.

• Go for a manicure/pedicure/massage/day spa experience with her.

• Take her to the movies. If your budget can't do that, hire a movie she would like to watch from the video store or library and watch it with her. If the budget is flush take her to a show or pay for her to go with someone.

• Write about your best childhood memories and put a photo of you two together with it.

• Instead of giving her a gift card take her shopping and enjoy the time with her. Don't nag her and complain all the time.

• Bake her a cake/biscuits/slice and go around and enjoy some with her over a cuppa.

• Make her something. Bunnings has some D.I.Y ideas. Gifts with photos are always great too.

• Do her gardening. Get her house cleaned.

• Get some professional photo portraits done with her. This is something you can all treasure for many years to come.

• Have some jewellery custom made for her

• Go on a trip together

Mothers Day Tips for the Dad/Hubby/Boyfriend/Partner

1.    Stuff breakfast in bed. Take the kids out and leave her alone in bed to sleep in peace and quiet. Make her breaky/brunch with the kids when you come back. On the sleeping note, if the kids wake up during the night, you get up and let her sleep.

2.    Most mums with young kiddies would love some blissful time at a day spa. You look after the children while she goes for some relaxing time and maybe a coffee or lunch afterwards. Day spa too pricey for your budget? No worries. Most major stores, even Coles sell foot spa packs for like $25. Buy her that, fill it for her with warm water and set it up for use. When she’s done dry her feet and spend some time rubbing and massaging moisturizer into them. Some people have aversions to having their feet touched or touching other peoples feet, in that case skip that idea. Run her a hot bath with something gorgeous smelling in it and have something nice to drink at hand. Get the kids to bed early, light some candles and massage her yourself. Don’t whine it hurts your hands. Don’t take less than ten minutes. Don’t expect sexy time when you’re finished but that may be a bonus especially if there was wine or champagne with the bath. Don’t know how to massage – Google it or watch some YouTube.

3.    Give her the night off dinner. Take her out for dinner, somewhere with a play area or entertainment for the kids. Get take away if you prefer to stay home and relax. The budget friendly take out option is a hot chook from the supermarket with some oven bake chips or chips from a fast food outlet. Better still cook her something. Doesn’t matter if it’s toasted sanga’s your efforts will be appreciated. Make sure you clean up afterwards.

4.    Plan a day out. Choose a location that suits your budget. Parks, playgrounds, beaches, museums, libraries and swimming pools are great cheap picnic venues. More flashy places include zoos, theme parks, movies, bowling or aquariums. Remember the kids need to be entertained. Once you have chosen the place, you get the kids ready and you pack all the bags and food. Ask her opinion on the bags and food if necessary and do not get angry with her answer just take the feedback on board and make the necessary adjustments. Get your directions before you leave.

5.    Clean the house for her from top to bottom. Even do the washing and ironing. If you can’t be bothered pay some professionals to do it for you.

6.    Give her an arvo home alone to do whatever she wants. Don’t expect any cooking or cleaning just her to enjoy some peace and quiet in the comfort of her own home. SHe probably just want to go to the toilet alone and have a shower undisturbed. If the budget allows, take her away for some time out.

7.    Think she might like some new clothes but not sure what to get or where to start? Organize someone to watch the kids and take her shopping. Be patient, honest and helpful while you’re there. It could take hours. Give her a budget of how much she can spend before she starts. Even if its $20 she will still enjoy spending the time with you trawling the shops. Don’t forget to feed her while you’re there.

8.    Gifts aren’t rocket science kids. Think about what she likes and buy something to do with it. It does not have to be expensive. If she likes reading, buy her a book or borrow one from a library for her. Op shops have book treasures at times so that’s an option. If she likes perfume find one you love and buy it for her. If she uses body wash or body lotion go and get her some gorgeous ones. If she drinks buy her some booze. There’s jewelry, gym gear (drink bottles/absorbent towels/socks), make up, candles, books, clothes, shoes, accessories, food, magazine subscriptions, lingerie, perfume, luggage, nail polish, stationary, mugs and cups, short courses, high tea’s, adrenalin adventures, sleepwear, movies, dinners out, tools, plants, craft, gosh I could go all night. You get the point though there’s millions of ideas. Bunnings can even help you with Mother’s Day D.I.Y projects and free workshops for the kids as well. Get the kids to make her something. The internet has mountains of ideas there too. Hand prints, photos and lovely words are all winners. It does not have to be flashy and expensive for her to feel special.

9.    Everyone loves flowers. They look pretty and generally smell nice. Florists are everywhere but even supermarkets have come a long way here and offer some pretty nice reasonably priced bunches. These don’t last forever so you could buy potted flowers that you then plant in the garden for her to enjoy for years to come.

10. Tell her how much she’s loved and appreciated. Tell her what she does that you love. Things that make you and the kids happy. Motherhood is tougher than she makes it look so make sure she knows she’s doing a great job and how much you all love her.

sandy pants does not contain filth

No one likes to have their little one sick. You feel so sorry for them and you do everything you can to help them to get and feel better. It pulls at the heart strings to see them suffering. Let’s face it though you usually end up sleep deprived and patience tends to get pretty thin as the lack of sleep and their clingy whining seems to be endless. So when you put on your chirpiest smile and go down to the doctors with all the patience you can muster, why on earth are those dam receptionists so cranky? Yes they have a demanding job. Yes some of the patients are mean or weird but hello it’s still customer service and in my book that still means being polite and smiling. Especially when you are deliberately being nice to them surely they can shed some of their cow layers to crack a small smile or offer a friendly word. You already feel sick or have been driven bonkers by a sick kid and you know you’re going to have to wait for what feels like an eternity to see the doctor surely the receptionist does not need to take on the ‘Door Bitch’ persona and rub salt in the wound. One of these days I’m gonna take my thong of my foot and slap one of them with it. Unless I am rude or angry to you I expect you to actually provide me with the customer service you were put there for and making comments about revolting things from ones pants should be discussed at a low volume. Not that I think sand is that revolting and really is it my fault if my son decides to climb all over my car with sand filled shoes and leave a pile of it on my car seat. I don’t have a battery operated hoover in my boot so unfortunately yes I guess some of that sand indeed made its way into my pants and then was left on your seat. Big deal. Not like it was vomit or blood or mucus or poo or wee, just sand for Pete’s sake!

not for the weak!

Everybody likes to save a buck and I am certainly no exception. When I am at the supermarket and I see marked down meet I flock like a seagull to chips. Whilst doing the grocery shopping for the fortnight today I saw some reduced price meat and was thrilled. Sure it was use by today but I planned on having some for dinner and putting the rest in the freezer. Now when you get home and start to unpack your groceries fridge and freezer products are your first priority. Fridge done I got onto the meat to divide it into dinner sized portions and put into zip lock bags. I was multi-tasking today, being on the phone to my mummy in law and dividing the meat. Opened up the pork loin chops and thought “ew that smells horrid” but as my toddler was clinging to my leg and had a dirty nappy (just made dirty nappy had to wait until ‘cold’ groceries put away) I assumed it was him. Sadly I was completely wrong. I picked up one of the chops to put into the bag and nearly fainted from the stench of rotting flesh. I literally lost my breath. Part of this chop that couldn’t be seen through the cling wrap was in fact greenish grey black. It is almost 10 hours later and I am still feeling nauseated from that stench that is still in my nostrils. I promptly got off the phone and vomited, everywhere. After cleaning it up and changing the nappy I took that putrid meat back to the supermarket. The lady who served me had to open the bag and started dry retching. Nearby customers started complaining about the repulsive stench and one even had to dash outside to vomit in a bin. I of course had to join that lady vomiting at the bin. So no one saw my undies today just my breakfast. We’ve all heard of Green Eggs and Ham but Green Pork and Eggs definitely not for me! Vegetarianism is on the cards.

the comfort of chocolate

What is it with all weekend your kids get up at the crack of dawn i.e. 5am and when it's a school day they sleep in? Just like you spend a good hour or so hoovering, scrubbing and mopping your floor only for someone to drop rice all over it, cordial, honey or in my case vomit. Thank you very much to  too much sun and rides and not enough fluids. I really enjoy cleaning those consequences off my lovely spotless floor. Thank heavens for the fresh warm triple choc fudge brownie with ice cream and chocolate sauce for saving the day. Ahhhh why couldn't an apple have the same effect???

people are strange

Meeting new people and making friends is a little like blind dating. You talk to them a little on the internet or wherever you meet them first then decide to meet. Usual rules apply, meet somewhere public and don’t give out addresses till you’re almost certain they’re someone you’d like to spend more time with. In the scheme of things we’re all a little unusual but some people are just plain disturbing. I arranged for one of these meet ups on Sunday. Lovely location picked with plenty to keep us all occupied. Time arranged. Picnic all packed. All set for a lovely afternoon. Meet up time came and went. I’ve been having problems with my mobile battery completely dying very rapidly so I started to worry. I didn’t have the other person’s phone number and had only seen pictures on Facebook. There would be no way of contacting her and she was driving a rather decent way to meet me. What if she arrived but couldn’t find me and think I didn’t come. What if my feral tantrum throwing toddler continued to drive me crazy and I couldn’t stand it any longer and had to leave.  We had been at the park for 3 hours already due to me being fed up with cabin fever at home. Being concerned wasn’t necessary in this instance as she certainly did arrive and my phone didn’t die. She may now be washing her eyes out with bleach since whilst in the toilet my toddler opened the door and gave her an eyeful of me doing my business. Maybe I am now on her steer clear list.